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- The Glow-in-the-dark Werewolf… maybe
- The Strange Saginaw Spook House
- Stand up for All Weirdness – The Ghost of Alien Bigfoots
- Sucker Money: An Exposé of the Psychic Racket, but not really.
- Fifty-Thousand Dollars for a Ghost
13 tips for making your house a scary stop for trick-or-treaters.
While driving through neighborhoods during the Halloween season our eyes are barraged by fake tombstones, giant inflatable grim reapers and foam body parts. All of this can be good fun, but in all reality we must ask ourselves, “Is it scary?” The answer is a simple, “No.” When I was growing up the scariest house on the block was the old abandon bungalow–grass overgrown, windows boarded up and a front porch that you never dare to go on. That house was Halloween all year around. The fright and horror came not from a bloody skeleton hanging on the front door but the imagined skeleton that just might be lying in the shuttered living room. As a person who has been in hundreds, if not thousands, of alleged haunted houses, buildings and cemeteries, I am happy to share with you 13 tips for creating a really frightening, perhaps horrifically traumatizing, stop for the trick-or-treaters in your neighborhood.
13. Don’t mow the lawn. I don’t mean don’t ever mow it, but if your neighbors are willing to put up with a lawn covered in fake fencing and plastic gravestones you should be able to get away with not mowing your lawn for 3 or 4 weeks. Overgrown lawns provide a feeling of disrepair and abandonment.
12. Your porch should be red or orange. Replacing that bright white bulb with a red or orange bulb still shows you are home while providing enough light for the kids to get up the porch. Red and orange lights also create unnatural shadow colors which can evoke feelings of uneasiness. Blue and green bulbs are recognized as totally unnatural light colors. It looks like you’re making an effort to be different, which negates the feeling of disregard you’ve built up with the unkempt lawn.
11. Carve your jack-o-lanterns poorly. No one wants to see an R2D2 jack-o-lantern, except the kid dressed as Asajj Ventress or General Grievous, or Darth Vader for those of you don’t watch Clone Wars. A jack-o-lantern is supposed to be creepy. Think of it as a glowing light in the middle of a swamp, think of a face trying to scare away ghosts and spirits, but don’t get too crazy with the design. Stay simple with the concept; it makes the face ten times scarier.
10. Leave the screen door shut but the front door open. With all of the initial unease “treaters” will feel walking up to your house, an open front door will create a parallel psychological thought pattern. Since open doors are a sign of welcome the brain’s conceptualization of unknowing and knowing will compete for dominance, causing internal feelings of confusion.
9. Turn off the lights in your house. One or two candles in the living room far away from the front door will be perfect. This should be a no brainer. As soon as kids see a house all lit up, they know people are in there having Halloween fun. The fact that you have a porch light on but no other lights is very disconcerting. If your living room is totally lit up all horror rushes away from the “treaters” as they see the normal interior of your home. In the dim light of candle glow, shadows bounce and flicker, creating a world of unfamiliar shapes inside your house.
8. Play classical or orchestral music. Most kids these days only hear classical or orchestral music in a few places: religious ceremonies, weddings, funerals, and horror movies. As a plus, a lot of kids associate classical music with old people. Aside from their grandparents–sometimes including them–most kids are confused or even scared of old people.
7. Make them have patience. When you hear “Trick or treat!” don’t run to the door. Walk …slowly. And walk from another room. If you must be doing something, why not sit in another room watching TV or playing on the internet, sans lights. Let them see you coming, but make them wait. As you open the door of the room you are sitting in and meander down the hallway, the glow from your TV or computer can add some neat lighting effects as it shines and flashes behind you.
6. Don’t talk. If you must say something when you walk to the door say “Treat.” Most people strike up conversations and ask questions about the costumes. Kids don’t care. They are there for the candy and to be scared. They have asked you, “Trick or Treat?” and you should answer them, “Treat.” Trust me, it’s creepy.
5. Don’t let them see what you are giving them. It’s extra creepy to produce the “treat” from a suit coat pocket or purse. Retrieve the treat and hold it entirely in the hand away from curious eyes until you’ve placed it in the “treater’s” bag. Or have your treats just lying on a table out of view, or anywhere but a giant bowl. Don’t let them see what the treat is. Just let them feel it hit the bottom of the bag.
4. Don’t underestimate the power of subtlety. Horror comes from the unknown. We all harbor some fear of the dark or the unfamiliar. Children have a heightened sense of strangeness because things are still new to them and so much is still unknown. When kids leave your front porch whispering to each other, “what was that all about?” or “dude, that was weird” you can rest assured that they will be talking, the next day, about the creepy house they went to on Halloween… your house.
3. Plywood can equal terror. Adding plywood to the inside of your windows really kicks up the effect of an abandon house. You don’t even need nails or a hammer to install the plywood. Just find, or buy, some scrap pieces and lean them up against your windows from inside the house. You don’t want the windows to be completely blocked and the effect of a partly boarded over window will enhance the effect of a house in disrepair.
2. Your backyard privacy fence adds mystery. Some people don’t decorate their backyard for Halloween because they have giant privacy fences which keep everyone from seeing what is going on back there…which is great! Perceived horror can be far more terrifying that what is actually seen, so use that fence to your advantage, Simple buy or download a looped moaning sound and then using speakers play that sound close to your privacy fence in your backyard. Don’t get too crazy with the sound, let it be subtle. A constant moan or whine coming from behind that giant fence will make people wonder, “What in the world is going on back there?”
1. All those fake body parts you’ve bought are still usable. Although I really don’t like the use of “props” for making a creepy “haunted” house for Halloween I know you probably have a bunch somewhere that you paid good money for and feel like using, well use them! A great way to use those gory hands, heads and legs is to keep them inside the house. Any decent serial killer, psychopath, etc. would never leave body parts on the front lawn but they might have them tossed around the living room or, even more disturbingly, arranged on a dining room table which can be seen from the front door. Lay out a whole body-part-dinner and don’t forget to add lots of ketchup. When kids are standing at your front door looking in your house don’t be surprised if they aren’t there when you come back with the candy.