Where to begin?
Now that the first episode of Ghost Stalkers has premiered I have been contacted by a dizzying amount of people about the the nature of my near-death experience. This is something that I knew I would have to confront once the show was on but it is honestly is a daunting task.
Please understand that some of the words I use and the descriptions of my experience will fail to accurately explain what I remember. The memories I have of the event do not have words or descriptions which is part of why the experience was so horrific. Also, if I stray away and meander about while trying to explain the occurrence please remember that for decades my family choose not to speak about this event.
My mother and father, obviously, do not like to talk about when they almost lost their son. To this day it is something they would rather not think about. As an example, when I say my family doesn’t talk about it I mean; my 14 year-old nephew just learned about it a few weeks before the show premiered. Knowing he would see the show my sister and I discussed the experience so that he would not be frightened about it and so that he could revel in the fact that although his uncle died, he still has his uncle.
The meat and potatoes of the experience itself, the biological component, is secondary and plays little part in what I experienced when I died so let’s get right to what people want – the experience itself.
I could simply write, “Awareness inside of nothing …forever” and I would be fine with that description but you, the reader probably would not be satisfied.
A “traditional” NDE is usually talked about as “bright lights, a white tunnel, relatives who have passed away beckoning you into the light, warmth, happiness and eternal love”. My was very much the opposite of that.
At some point I became aware that I was aware.
It was dark, I felt blind, I tried to reach my hand up in front of my eyes and realized I didn’t have a hand, or an arm or eyes. I tried to scream but found I had no mouth. Indeed I was only awareness without physical form. My body no longer existed I was only a mind.
I was there forever. As strange as that sounds it’s true. There was no time where I was and therefore I was there forever, trapped in infinity, unable to scream, move, and also unable to be unaware of my awareness. I couldn’t shut it out because I was it. There was only me, my mind, alone inside of infinity.
Although aware that I could not scream I still tried, I tried for millions of years to scream and when it didn’t work, I tried for a million more, knowing that it would never work.
I wanted to cry, but again there can be no tears when your have no body to produce them.
I knew who I had been but at some point realized this was now who I was.
No one, nothing in the middle of nothing, forever.
I wanted anything, hope, happiness, sadness, pain, something that would let me feel because I knew if I could feel something it would mean that there was something other than nothing. Fear became a friend because it was something, still though it was fear.
Every now and then the fear would return. It was the only thing I knew. Since time doesn’t exist when the fear returned it returned constantly and forever and I would try screaming again, and again and again and again.
At some point, after forever an idea became me. The idea was, “stay nothing forever or become everything.”
I knew from being inside the nothing for infinity I had to choose “everything”
and I opened my eyes.
There it was, everything.
People, smells, sights, sounds, happiness, pain, fear, life. And it was beautiful.
The day I died was the most horrific part of my life, and it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.